Get back.....

If every day was Monday, I'd be skinny!!

Who doesn't love to "start again on Monday"? I think my biggest problems are, of course, with my diet...I'm a sugar addict and although I do cook from scratch (thank you, mom!)...sometimes I just find it easier to serve my efforts with a side of pre-packaged crap. I think I need to clean up my eating. I think it'll help my current depression, insomnia, mood swings, bloating and just generally "blah". Baby steps though, I still have some crap that I need to use up...I would totally throw it away or donate it to the food bank but $ is an issue right now.

I don't think my big behind would fit on my bicycle seat anymore so I guess I'll just keep on Turbo Jammin' and walking.

And I NEED to be more accountable to this blog. If I write it, then I admit it. If I don't write it, there's no admitting.

He Phoned

Never did get a response when I sent out the letter saying "please help". But he did respond when he was received the stuff she made him for Father's Day...and I just happened to include a bill for her daycare. I got the money from his parents. I called him that night (because I missed his call earlier in the day on my cellphone) and he told me that work has been slow....he doesn't have enough money to pay for gas to come see us....his parents had to dish out the money for her daycare because he only has enough for his mortgage payment that comes out in 3 days....blah blah blah. He did happen to mention his girlfriend 3 or 4 times. Good, she can have him. Who cares!! You think I'm not strapped for cash?? Grrr. What an excuse maker. He has no idea what I've gone through, he's not getting any sympathy from me.

But atleast I don't have to worry about childcare for atleast another 2 weeks.

Without You

Why do I always think about you?

You left me and our unborn child but yet I still think about you.
You weren't there when my water broke and I was scared.
You weren't there when she started walking or crawling.
You weren't there when she started school.
But yet you are always on my mind.
Do you think about us? Do we ever cross your mind?

Sometimes I think it would have been easier to have stayed with you. Would I have been happy? No. But it's not about me...it would have been about our daughter.

When someone asks about my "husband", why do I think about you?
We were never married. I have dated other people since we were together....but yet you are always the one who consumes my thoughts.

You fed me empty promises.
You told me everything would be okay when it turned out quite the opposite.

I hold it against you that you aren't here.
I hold it against you that our daughter doesn't have a father.
I can't help but blame you.
A little part of me hates you.
But yet you consume my thoughts.

Grief

Except nobody died.

This recession has finally kicked in. And my business is feeling it. 3 years after opening the place and now I feel like I'm looking at the end. I'm not going down without a fight. It's hard to imagine that a business was making $20,000 +/- a month is now down to less than $10K a month. It makes me sick. It scares me.

I'm looking at getting a weekend job because I can't go without a paycheque for much longer. If things flop, I would really like to open a dayhome. I would need 5 full-time children to make what I make now. And I'd wouldn't need to depend on after school childcare because I could actually be a part of my daughters life after school. The word around town is that childcare is lacking. I sure hope I could find 5 children and their parents.

Emily wanted to go to McDonald's tonight and I said no. She doesn't ask very often and I've said no before. But this time was different, it was a 'no' because of lack of funds and not a 'no' because it's healthier to eat at home. She didn't eat her vegetables so she had to go to bed in her own bed.

And now I'm kind of sad because she's not going to be sleeping with me.